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The Most
Wonderful Time Of The Year?
Matthew 18:21-35
It’s
the most wonderful time of the year. Or at least that’s what the song
says. In reality it’s the most stressful and loneliest time of the year.
In the next few days I guarantee you that someone will take your parking
spot, cut in front of you in line, take the very item you were looking
at from in front of your nose, or call you names that would make a
sailor blush. Why? Because that has become the meaning of Christmas.
Every year at this time I feel the need to stop and reflect and get my
mindset right. Today I wanted to do this together.
I love Peter. Who knows, it might have been Christmas time in Jerusalem,
or he might have just endured Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws. But
whatever the reason Peter comes to Jesus one day and says: "Someone's
hurt me. He's done me wrong. Not just once. I know I'm supposed to
forgive him; but it feels so unfair. Why should I always have to be the
one to forgive? How often do I have to forgive him-seven times?"
And it's not some stranger who took the last Rescue Hero that hurt
Peter. It's his brother. Somebody he trusts. How can he keep setting
himself up for heartbreak?
The concern behind Peter's question has been felt by everyone who has
ever been hurt. Why should I forgive? What if the other person doesn't
deserve it? I might get hurt again. Forgiveness looks like a pretty
risky business. Forgiveness looks to Peter like one of those activities
that Jesus is always talking about, and it is probably a pretty
spiritual thing to do, but it doesn't always work out so well for those
of us who live in the real world.
Imagine Peter's response when, instead of commending him, Jesus tells
him he still has seventy acts of forgiveness to go: "I tell you, not
seven times, but seventy-seven times." Of course, Jesus doesn't mean
that on the seventy-eighth violation Peter can let the man have it. He
is making a point that there are two ways to live with hurt: the way of
vengeance and the way of forgiveness. The first way leads to death, and
the second to life.
Forgiving is a little like breathing: If you try to keep track of every
time you do it, you'll go crazy. Even seventy-seven times is just a
warm-up. Forgiving will have to be a way of life. Jesus makes this
point, as he typically did, by telling a story.
When Jesus tells the story, he grabs onto the largest number in the
language and pluralizes it. It would be something like saying "zillions"
in English. He wants us to appreciate the size of the debt.
When it comes to debt, every economy that has ever existed has been
built on one simple rule: You owe, you pay. Certain people who lend
money are always quite touchy about this. They keep careful accounts.
You pay-or you get a visit from a large man named Vito.
The unimaginable happens in this story. The man asks for a little mercy
and the Servant’s master opens up the floodgates of mercy. The unpayable
debt doesn't have to be paid back. Grace will be extended indefinitely.
This is more grace than the Servant dreamed of asking for. It's more
grace than anyone else imagined to exist.
It is crucial here to grasp what Jesus is saying about the heart of God.
When the Master forgives the debt, it doesn't simply disappear. There is
still the loss to be accounted for. Who absorbs it? The answer of
course, is the Master. When he forgives the debt, it is not a casual
thing. Forgiveness comes with a price tag. The master comes up with a
whole new system for handling the unpayable debt: You owe, I'll pay.
You Owe, I'll Pay
Jesus says we have accumulated a moral debt before a just and holy God,
and it's been growing for years. Every time we are less than honest or
fudge an expense account or tax return or treat a five year old too
harshly or make a cutting remark we shouldn't or gossip or tell a racist
joke or have sexually impure thoughts each act adds to a mountain of
moral debt. All human beings owe that enormous debt.
So God himself uses the instrument he never would have had to invent if
the human race had not sinned. God has developed a new possibility for
dealing with betrayal and hurt: You owe, I'll pay. He forgives. But
forgiveness does not come cheap.
This is where the story gets very personal for Jesus. Jesus knew all
about friendship, pain, and betrayal. Jesus would give himself to all
people, and to twelve friends in particular. One of them would betray
him, another would deny him, all would abandon him. On the cross, the
entire weight of the unpayable debt owed by sinful humanity would fall
on him. He would pay it all.
This is why the cross is at the heart of Christianity. It shows us the
heart of God. He feels compassion, his eyes fill with tears, his lips
tremble a little out of love for his children. He chooses to pay the
debt we never could. He longs to forgive. And what Jesus does at
infinite cost, he invites us to do as well, though at much lesser
expense. Jesus is telling this story, after all, in response to Peter's
question about why he should forgive. So let's think about what we're
being invited to do.
Some Things Forgiveness Is Not
What is it that we do, exactly, when we forgive? We must start by
understanding what forgiveness is not and then look at the three stages
that are part of what forgiving is.
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First, forgiving is not the same thing as excusing.
Excusing is what we do when we consider extenuating circumstances for
our behavior. We excuse expectant fathers for driving fast because they
are taxiing a woman in labor. We excuse clumsy skiers for bumping into
us when we find out they're beginners. We excuse eight year old boys for
making bodily noises because they're eight year old boys.
Forgiveness comes when there is no good rationale to explain away why
someone did what they did. Forgiving does not mean tolerating bad
behavior or pretending that what someone did was not so bad. Excusing is
an end run around the crisis of forgiving. When an action is excusable,
it doesn't require forgiveness.
Second, Forgiving is not forgetting.
All that forgetting requires is a really bad memory. I forget where I
parked my car or put my keys. This doesn’t mean I have an advanced soul,
just some badly misfiring neurons. Sometimes, if a hurt is severe
enough, it can be buried away out of fear or trauma. It is in some sense
forgotten, but it hasn't been forgiven. Scripture writers sometimes use
the language of " 'forgetting" to describe how God deals with our sin,
but this doesn't mean that God has a memory problem. It means that our
past sins become irrelevant to his dealings with us. Forgiving is
required when we can't forget.
Finally, Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling.
People sometimes think that forgiving someone means we must reunite with
them no matter what-that a wife must move back in with a man who cheated
on her, or a businessman must take back a dishonest partner as many
times as requested. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate
things.
Forgiveness takes place within the heart of one human being. It can be
granted even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.
Reconciliation requires that the offender be sincerely repentant for the
wrong he or she committed. Reconciliation requires the rebuilding of
trust, and that means good faith on the part of both parties.
What Forgiveness Is
The first stage of forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict an
equal amount of pain on everyone who has caused hurt.
When I forgive you, I give up the right to hurt you back. Even though
you may hurt me deliberately, personally, and deeply, I suspend the law
of vengeance. I refrain from the instinctive response of retaliation. I
don't act on or indulge my desire to see you squirm. When I forgive you,
I set you free from the little prison I have placed in my mind for
holding you captive.
Forgiveness begins when we give up the quest to get even. This is
difficult, because getting even is the natural obsession of the wounded
soul.
But for deep hurts, the way of vengeance has not proved so successful.
The problem with getting even is that no two people weigh pain on the
same scale. Forgiving starts when we decide to stop trying to get even.
The next stage of forgiveness involves a new way of seeing and feeling.
One thing that happens when we get deeply hurt is that as we look at the
one who hurt us, we don't see a person, only the hurt. In Jesus' story,
the unforgiving employee doesn't see another person; he only sees an
uncollected debt. When we hold fast to unforgiveness toward another
person, we tend to believe only bad things about them. We want to think
of them only in terms of the hurt they have caused us. We want to forget
their humanity.
When we forgive each other, we begin to see more clearly. We do not
ignore the hurts, but we see beyond them. We rediscover the humanity of
the one who hurt us. He is no longer just an uncollected debt of pain.
He is the product of a mother and father; he is lonely or hurting or
weak or nearsighted-just as I am. He is also a bearer of the image of
God-just as I am.
The third stage of forgiving, the one that shows you have begun to make
some real progress, is when you find yourself wishing the other person
well.
You no longer hope that the only calls they get will be from
telemarketers and the IRS. You hope for good things for them. You can
hear someone say a kind word about them without inwardly screaming. You
genuinely hope that things are well between them and God, and that their
life is happy.
Of course, this does not happen all at once. And it usually doesn't
happen once for all; you will have moments when you would like to hear
they've gotten bald or fat. But the trajectory of the heart is headed in
the right direction. When you want good things for someone who hurt you
badly, you can pretty much know that the Great Forgiver has been at work
in your heart.
The Rest of the Story
Jesus adds a second act to his story. This crooked servant has received
grace. He owes his life, freedom, family, possessions, everything-to the
grace of the master. He doesn't have to repay a cent. But this is not
the end of the story. It's a two-parter.
We have a tendency to think we can receive forgiveness from God without
having to forgive others. In telling the story, Jesus doesn't say that
this is a bad idea; he calls it impossible.
What people want from God is not really forgiveness and reconciliation
but merely to avoid punishment. Remember, forgiveness is not allowing
someone to avoid pain. It is longing for their spiritual well being,
which includes desiring that they become loving persons.
True forgiveness is never cheap. Hurt is deep; hurt is unfair. You want
the offenders to know the pain they have inflicted on you. You want them
to get paid back. In fact the only thing I know that costs more than
forgiving someone is not forgiving them. Non-forgiveness costs your
heart. In fact, not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and waiting
for the rat to die.
Don't forgive, and your anger will become your burden.
Don't forgive, and bit by bit all the joy will be choked out of you.
Don't forgive, and you will be unable to trust anybody, ever again.
Don't forgive, and the bitterness will crowd the compassion out of your
heart.
Don't forgive, and that little grudge will grow larger, and stronger.
Although you may think you can hide it from everyone you know, in time
it will become a monster of hostility, and one day it will kill you.
Epilogue
There is one more part to the story. Honestly, I wish there weren't,
because I don’t like what it implies. But there is, and since this is
Jesus' story, I can't leave it out.
The events of the day spreads through the whole kingdom. Word gets to
the master and this time it’s a different story.
The master says, "You didn't get it at all, did you? You thought grace
meant I was a fuzzy minded incompetent who would let you get away with
whatever you want and abuse whomever you want. You thought that because
you were 'in' with me, you could be the same old hurtful, self centered,
unforgiving person you were before.
"You were badly mistaken. I was willing to take the loss. And still
would be, but you don't want what I offer. You were shown forgiveness
but won't give it, offered grace but won't extend it, showered with love
but you won't live in it. I offered you the miracle of forgiveness, a
chance to live beyond a 'you hurt me I'll hurt you back' world. But you
can't receive it for yourself and deny it to others. It's a package
deal. You have rejected what I have, and there is nothing left to give
you."
The master turns to the guards: "Take him away, throw him into prison,
leave him there until he pays back the unpayable debt." End of meeting,
Beginning of sentence.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you
forgive your brother from your heart," Jesus says.
Today we must all make a choice. Vengeance or mercy. Prison or freedom.
Hatred or grace. Life or death.
Choose
wisely.
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