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Session One
Introduction:
A) Rules
1) What we say here stays here
2) Tell me only what you trust me to keep
3) We have a right to all of our feelings
4) You can quit talking at any time you want
5) I am going to suggest things but you have the final decision on your
actions
I. The purpose of Pre-Martial counseling.
A) Not:
1. To decide if you should get married
2. To try to talk you out of getting married
3. To tell you what you should do
4. To tell you how to live your life
B) Purpose:
1. To get to know you better
2. To raise questions that I believe are important
3. To give you the opportunity to discuss at least one thing that would
not have discussed had we not talked
C) The cost of Pre-Martial Counseling
1. Counseling is free
a. Part of my reward for being a minister
b. If the counseling is helpful consider it your wedding present
c. If it is not then you got what you paid for
II. Get acquainted
A) How long have you been together?
B) What kind of dates have you had
C) Why are you being married by a minister instead of a Justice of the
Peace?
D) In the event of serious problems, will you promise to seek help to
work out your problems before you call a lawyer?
E) What is your definition of Marriage?
F) How were feelings of love, warmth, and tenderness showing in your
home when you were growing up?
G) How do you want these feelings expressed in your home?
H) What fears do you have as you enter marriage?
I) What can you do to help your partner with their fears?
J) Describe yourself 10, 20, and 50 years from your wedding day
K) Why would it be important to set goals?
III. Family Rules Introduction
What Were Your Rules?
"Family rules" or norms are "the way we do things in our family." Often
they are unconscious, rarely mentioned, seldom decided by discussion.
Different families have different rules. When a couple is married, the
different family rules conflict. Family rules often become more
important than the Bible-even in strong Christian families. These norms
are often elevated to God's truth. They are not just the "way we did
things in our family," but that is the way things "ought to be done."
Think about your home when you were growing up. What were your "family
roles?" They were probably not stated as rules, but everyone in the
family knew "that is the way we do things."
ROLES- What was "women's work?" What was "men's work?"
TIME-What was your family's role for being on time? How was this applied
to work, school, church? How was this applied to curfew?
MONEY -How was money managed and spent? Who decided on the use of money?
How did money reveal what was important in your family?
SPIRITUALITY - How important was God in your family? How was this
expressed in worship, Bible study, use of time and money? Who was the
spiritual leader of your family?
HOLIDAYS-How did your family celebrate Thanksgiving? How did your family
celebrate birthdays, family reunions and how did you observe these?
DRESS- What were the dress codes in your family? What dress was
preferred for church, school, public, in the house?
DRUGS, ALCOHOL, TOBACCO-What were your family rules in relation to the
use of drugs, alcohol, and tobacco?
AUTHORITY -How did your family view people in authority such as police,
public Officials, elders?
CHILDREN-How were children valued - were they center of family, burdens,
blessings, inconveniences? What speaking privileges did children have?
How were children taught and corrected? How were different children
treated?
PETS-What kind of pets did your family have? How many pets did you have?
Where did they stay? Where did they eat? Where did they sleep?
CONFLICT -How did your family handle conflict? What was considered
"fighting fair?" What would have been considered "not fighting fair?"
With whom could you disagree? With whom could you not disagree? What
topics could not be discussed?
FAMILY SECRETS - What were some family secrets that your family had that
were not to be discussed with people outside the family? What were some
family secrets that your family had that you knew about but were not to
be discussed-even in the family?
FEELINGS -SADNESS, JOY, FEAR, ANGER- What feelings were acceptable to
have and to express? What feelings were unacceptable and not to be
discussed?
OTHER RULES-What other roles did your family have?
CHANGE OF RULES-Were your family rules ever changed? What Was the
occasion for the change and how was it done?
Homework:
A) Every time we meet I will give you some homework to be completed
before we meet again. We will discuss your answers together at our next
session.
B) If at all possible do your homework when you are alone, unless I ask
you to do it together.
C) Please be honest with yourself and each other. This is the only way
that these sessions will be successful. It is also a great trait to take
into your marriage.
D) Spiritual Goals
1) We are starting with the most important first.
2) Where do you want to grow to be spiritually?
3) If you refuse to plan then you won’t grow.
F) Marriage Success Index
Spiritual Goals
The main goal in this area of my life is: __________
In order to reach this goal, I am setting the following objectives:
Year 1, ___________
Year 5, ___________
Year 10, __________
Year 25, _________
Year 50 , _________
Since you were raised from the dead with Christ, aim at what is in
heaven, where Christ is sitting at the right hand of God. Think only
about the things in heaven, not the things on earth.
(Colossians 3:1,2)
MARRIAGE SUCCESS INDEX
Answer each question "yes. or "no". Your first spontaneous answer is
more apt to be correct than one you put down after a period of thinking.
1. Does he (she) try to improve you? Yes No
2. Do you agree on whether you want children? Yes No
3. Are you dissatisfied with yourself? Yes No
4. Do you feel that you will be able to contribute to his (her)
happiness? Yes No
5. Is he (she) untruthful? Yes No
6. Do you have similar attitudes towards drinking? Yes No
7. Do you feel that he (she) is narrow minded? Yes No
8. Are you able to talk over with him (her) the problems that come up
between you? Yes No
9. Do the opinions of your friends in reference to him (her) have much
effect on you? Yes No
19 Are you patient and understanding? Yes No
11.Do you feel that his (her) parents disapprove of you? Yes No
12. Does he (she) confide in you? Yes No
13. IS he (she) the first boy (girl) friend you ever had? Yes No
14. Do you enjoy life? Yes No
15. Do you ever wish you had not become engaged? Yes No
16. Are you satisfied with the amount of affection he (she) shows you?
Yes No
17. Is he (she) bored when you tell him things that happen in your
everyday job? Yes No
18. Do you both agree on whether or not a wife have an outside job? Yes
No
19. Do you feel that he (she) lacks enough ambition? Yes No
20. Were his (her) parents happily married? Yes No
21. Is he (she) tight with money? Yes No
22. Were your parents happily married? Yes No
23. Is he (she) easily influenced by others? Yes No
24. Are you satisfied with him (her) as he (she) is? Yes No
25. Are you bored when he (she) tells you of the routine of his (her)
day's work? Yes No
26. Do you confide in him (her)? Yes No
27. Does he (she) have annoying habits or mannerisms? Yes No
28. Do you have similar intellectual interests? Yes No
29. Were your earlier relationships unsatisfactory? Yes No
30. Do you have similar educational backgrounds? Yes No
31. Is he (she) jealous? Yes No
32. Do you feel that you know him (her) pretty well? Yes No
33. Is he (she) irritable? Yes No
34. Do you have similar religious beliefs? Yes No
35. Have you ever considered breaking your engagement? Yes No
36. Do you have similar respect for convictions? (drinking, religion,
sex ethics, etc.) Yes No
37. Is he (she) stubborn? Yes No
38. Do you love him (her) just as much when you are away from him (her)
as when you are near him (her)? Yes No
39. Do you feel a little uneasy with him (her)? Yes No
40. Do you believe that the marriage is likely to be a success? Yes No
41. Do you sometimes wonder if he (she) is really interested in you? Yes
No
42. Does he (she) have a sense of humor? Yes No
43. Do you feel that you could just talk for hours without the TV,
radio,
or computer? Yes No
44. Do you consider yourself to be a thoughtful and kind person? Yes No
45. Do you feel that the responsibility for your relationship rests
mainly on you? Yes No
46. Do you show that you are affectionate? Yes No
47. Do you wonder if he (she) understands you? Yes No
48. Does he (she) seem to know how you feel about things in general? Yes
No
49. Is he (she) pretty much responsible for your relationship? Yes No
50. Do you understand how he (she) feels about things? Yes No
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