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Session Four
I. Old Business
A. What have you talked about since we last met?
B. Any old business that we need to discuss?
C. Discuss Physical Goals.
II. Homework from last meeting
A. Role Concept Comparison
B. Define Love
III. THREE KINDS OF LOVE
A. EROS LOVE- This is need love. It is based upon physical attraction
and fulfillment. This love is necessary for marriage to succeed;
however, Eros alone cannot sustain marriage.
B. PHILEO LOVE - This is friendship love. The Bible uses the word
"companionship" several times. in describing what a marriage
relationship is. Phileo love means reciprocal sharing of time,
activities, communication, spiritual life, ministry projects, chores
around the home, hobbies, games, and other objects of common fellowship.
C. AGAPE LOVE- This is a giving love. This can be unilateral in that one
loves even when the other doesn't respond as expected. It is self-giving
in meeting real needs of the other with the purpose of helping the
person to become a better, more mature individual. Agape love takes the
initiative and energizes the other two kinds of love. Agape's
characteristics are in. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others
grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always, Always looks for the best,
Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in
tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit.
D. Suggestions for nourishing each kind of love:
1. EROS LOVE- By the lingering hug or touch; the deep kiss; candles and
music at dinner: the special eye contact; the whistle of approval when
she models a new dress; giving her a sheer negligee for her birthday;
wearing it for him the same night; the eagerness and enjoyment of sex. .
2. PHILEO LOVE - Walking through a shopping mall together: watching TV
together; munching popcorn; playing table games; reading the Bible. or
praying together; working on or enjoying a hobby together; eating
breakfast together without the morning paper; talking about the design
of the new wallpaper for your child's bedroom; sharing in a loving yet
assertive way an irritation or frustration: sharing talk times together
for discussing concerns, needs, desires and goals; sharing budget work;
washing and drying dishes together; being best friends; sharing
struggles and hurts; laughing and having good times together.
3. AGAPE LOVE- Acting lovingly toward the other person; being committed
to care for the other regardless of any unsupportive feelings from the
other or from within yourself; being gentle when she burns the toast:
squelching the urge to ask whether the other has been eating more
chocolates lately; listening when she wakes up and wants to talk at 2:35
am; helping to put the children to bed, even during the fourth quarter
of the TV football game; learning to live with less than perfection;
using gentle encouragement instead of nagging insistence; forgiving when
he forgets he was to pick up the children after school, or when your
shirt wasn't ironed on time, or when he procrastinates. It is the
ministering to the spouse as a calling from God without regard for how
the spouse responds.
IV. Developmental Tasks
A. Items that will need attention during your first five years.
B. These things don't just happen they need to be cultivated.
1. Communication
2. Relations with Relatives' and Friends
3. Finances
4. Educational and Work Plans
5. Family planning
6. Roles
V. PROBLEM AREAS FROM 10 STUDIES OF DIVORCED COUPLES
A. Personal Issues
1. Personality: immaturity , jealousy, dependency, intelligence
2. Personal Habits & Health: physical problems (health), habits
3. Incompatible Backgrounds: religion, background differences
4. Interests and Values: social life, recreation, values
5. Expectations
B. Pair Issues
1. Communication: decision-making, affection
2. Sex: sexual relationship, extramarital sex, affection
3. Commitment: goals, priorities
4. Roles: marital roles, household roles
5. Arguments: power struggle, boredom, conflict resolution
C. External Issues
1. Relative: partner's family, parents
2. Friends: changes in relationships, compatibility
3. Children: parenthood, family planning
4. Money: handling money, saving
5. Work: career plans, time together, vacation.
VI. The Most Satisfying and Most Unsatisfying Aspects of Marriage.
Most Satisfying
Men: Friendship, Companionship, Shared Interest and Goals, Building a
family together, Children
Women: Friendship, Personal Growth, Supportive Partner, Children,
Security
Most Unsatisfying
Men: Not Sexually Satisfied, Money, Children Too Demanding, Constraints
On Personal Freedom
Women: Sexual Relations, Finances, Husband's Workload, Children
VII. The Three Stages of Marriage (With some words and Ideas that you or
others might say about your relationship).
A. Enchantment
1. Usually an 8 month - 16 month Process
2. Not set in stone and your moods toward each other will depend on each
other.
On cloud nine, Perfect, Just Right, Forever, Infatuated, Idolize, Numb,
Fascinated, Charmed, Captivated, Ecstasy, Thrilled, Preoccupied, We've
Arrived
B. Disenchantment
1. Usually considered the storm
2. This will be a big fight that seems to last for days. Usually comes
around the 9th month to the 17th month.
a) If it comes earlier or later that ok but it will come.
3. Upset, Terrible, Absolutely Wrong, I quit, Hurt, Put Down, Irritated,
Wretched, Burdened, Uncomfortable, Bitter, Trapped, We'll Never Make It.
C. Maturity
1. This is where you finally realize that marriage is a growing process.
2. It will last the rest of your life.
3. Chances are good that you will still have storms but they will be
much smaller after you enter this stage.
4. I Need You, How Do You See It? , Let's look at this, What's your
opinion, Encourage, Whole, Free, Comfortable, Growing.
VIII. Homework
This you will need to do together
1. Do a real budget with your present income, and bills.
2. Read and discuss your feelings about the three handouts.
My Budget
Our Total Monthly Income Is $ ¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬_______
We are planning to give $ __________to the Church
Our house payment will be $________
Our car payment will be $___________
Our health insurance premium will be $________
Our car and home insurance will be $_________
Our local calling for telephone will be $_____________
Debt payoff will be $ _____________
Cable will be $_________________
Internet will be $___________
Cellular Phone will be $________
Water bill will be $__________
Electricity bill will be $________
Food will be $___________
Savings will be $__________
Clothing will be $__________
Entertainment will be $________
Gas For Car will be $________
This leaves $____________ for the month.
Does my income cover the cost of living?
It is a sign of love if You. . .” or "If You love me, you will…”
Say "I love you."
Say other things more or less synonymous with "l love you," like "I'm so
glad we're" together,"
"You make me feel wonderful," etc.
Express your intention to stay in the relationship.
Make or buy me presents.
Show appreciation and gratitude for things I do for you.
Compliment me on things I did that you" like or ways I am that you like.
Remember special occasions, such as birthday, anniversary, etc.
Touch me in a loving way.
Say things to other people that cast me in a favorable light.
Seem to enjoy sexual activity with me.
Smile, brighten up and look happy to see me and have me around - i.e.,
communicate
nonverbally, "I'm happy you're around."
Look for recreational activities for us to do together.
Be interested when I talk about my experiences and my feelings.
Disclose to me things about yourself, you experience, and my feelings.
Dress or attend to personal hygiene in a way that you know I like.
Help me do chores and jobs.
Laugh at things I do or say that are meant to be funny.
Make up little surprises for me -leave notes for me that express
positive feelings, make up
poems for me, stop by unexpectedly, do things that let me know you're
thinking about me when I wasn't expecting you to be.
Be willing to talk about the relationship; think about ways to improve
it: talk about things you
can do or I can do to make either or both of us happier with the
relationship.
Give in and sacrifice a certain fraction of the time when our wishes
conflict, assuming that I'm
also willing to give in and sacrifice part of the time.
Play and act silly with me.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR WIFE IN LOVE WITH YOU
"you can make a woman hopelessly in love with you if you just learn how
to treat her in public." That's one line from an old Iowa judge. He
clued me in before we were married. And I believed him. So from my book,
"Letters to Philip," here are my ten rules for how to treat a woman in
public.
What does all this have to do with fathers? Maybe its right on target to
principle one: The greatest thing a dad can do for his children is to
love their mother well.
When you enter the room, take her arm and come in smiling. If you look
happy, she will, and God knows the world needs encouragement.
Walk proud! Act like you are thinking "How could I be so fortunate?" if
you stick out your chest, she will, too. Most women look better that
way.
Say something nice about her when you introduce her. If you make her
feel good, you feel good.
When you sit down to dinner, hold her chair. Then pat her on the
shoulder and smile. Keep smiling till she looks up. She'll soon catch on
and it becomes a ritual. This is a very good thing.
When the conversation lags, ask her a question. Be sure you choose one
she can answer. Make it one of her favorite subjects and always wait for
her reply
Never, and I mean never, fuss over little points in her story. Who cares
whether the roses were truly pink, or only a faded red? If she is all
wrong, somebody else can set her straight. But not you.
When you are ready to go, hold her coat, take her arm, and open the car
door for her. Not many men do this today, and she knows it. Makes her
somebody special.
On the way home take her hand and tell her how proud you were to have
her along.
Some time when you are with her mother alone, tell her how much you
appreciate her daughter. No woman alive could keep this to herself, and
nothing does more for your wife than a compliment coming in sideways!
Successful Marriages
Fifteen couples who have been married a total of more than 900 years
attended a Golden Anniversary Party and shared their views on marriage.
The following is a list of necessary ingredients for a successful
marriage, according to these couples:
Have a long courtship.
Approach marriage seriously.
Be sure that you love one another when you get married.
Agree to live together for life.
Marry a Christian.
Put God first.
Live by God's Book.
Learn to give and take.
Live one day at a time.
Grow to love each other more each day.
Work and share together.
Show respect and consideration for each other.
Be happy and optimistic.
Agree on child rearing. Use a switch on the children when they need it,
but never strike a child when you are angry.
Provide good meals for the family.
Be patient. Problems will work themselves out if you give It time. Never
both get angry at the same time.
Respect the husband as head of the home.
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