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Session Six
This is the In-Law
Stew. It is held at my home and the parents are invited to come. I make
a stock for stew and provide the meat; everyone who comes to the stew is
to bring a frozen bag of their favorite vegetables. As they enter my
house they put their vegetable in the stew pot and it cooks while we
have our last session. At the end of the session we all share a meal
from what we have all brought to the meal.
The concept is that we all have brought something into this marriage to
make it work just like we all brought something to this marriage that
will make it work. It is taken loosely from the Children’s story Stone
Soup.
Introduction:
A. The home is important.
B. I want to continue to study the home and encourage others to have a
Christian home.
1. I used to ask few questions.
2. Present approach.
C. We are talking about something you are all concerned about.
1. You want your children to be happy.
2. You want your parents to be happy.
D. When viewed this way, you are on the same team.
1. How are you doing?
2. How are you grieving?
I. THIS IS A PROBLEM AREA.
A. Couples married twenty years asked what was the most serious problem
in achieving
marital happiness; among six areas:
1. Women mentioned in-Law relationships second.
2. Men mentioned them third.
B. 544 couples in early years of marriage gave in-Law relationships
first place in their list of difficult areas.
C. Reasons for problems - new relationships.
1. For the newlyweds.
a. They are building a new relationship with the spouse.
b. A new relationship with parents - a partial withdrawing from
accustomed closeness in favor of the new closeness with the mate (change
from child to adult).
c. A new relationship with the in-Law Family.
2. For the parents of the bride and groom.
a. A new relationship with son or daughter (from child to adult).
b. A new relationship with in-Laws.
c. A new relationship with each other - a high number of divorces occur
after 25 years when children leave home.
II. PROBLEMS VIEWED FROM DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A. Young people about parents-in-Law.
1. They try to run our home.
2. They treat us as children.
3. They give us too much advice.
4. They try to help too much.
5. They try to influence our lives.
6. They hover over us.
B. Daughters-in-Law about parents-in-Law.
1. His mother insists on first place with my husband.
2. They still think he belongs to them.
3. They don't accept my status as daughter-in-/aw.
4. They try to steal my place as his wife and mother of his child.
C. Husbands about daughter-parent relationship.
1. She takes her mother's advice no matter how bad it is.
2. She tells her mother too much about our personal affairs.
3. She is too much at their call as if she were still their little girl.
D. Spouse complaints about treatment around in-Laws.
1. Embarrasses me in front of them.
2. Ignores me when we are with them.
3. Doesn't show affection when the in-laws are around.
4. Criticizes me in front of the in-laws.
E. Troubles with children-in-law.
1. Some couples exploit their parents financially.
a. When a problem arises, they run to their parents for help.
b. A transfer of money requires maturity of the giver and the receiver.
(1) Gifts should have no strings attached.
(2) Loans should be understood as such and paid back.
c. When a good understanding does not exist, there are often hurt
feelings.
Proverbs 22:7 the rich rule over the poor; and the borrower is slave to
the lender.
2. Insensitive to needs of parents and parents-in-Law.
a. Lack of communication - parents are still concerned.
b. Imposition by wanting answers to all problems, then blame parents if
it doesn't work out.
c. Impose by too much baby-sitting.
3. Failure to change from dependency and receiving to independence,
giving, and gratitude.
a. A habit of eighteen years or more is hard to break.
b. Reader's Digest, Apri11974, p. 80:
I have a brother who operates a small business in Oregon, manufacturing
rubber stamps. Our father, who lives in Denver, asked my brother to mail
him a stamp with his name on it and to enclose the bill with the
merchandise. The stamp came promptly, but no bill was enclosed. After a
few weeks, our father wrote again insisting that my brother send a bill.
He finally received the following:
1 Rubber Stamp $2.00
Credit Memo:
Teaching me that no work is degrading, if honorable $35,000.00
Raising me in your belief not to compromise a principle for money
$40,000.00
Showing me how to respect all, no matter where they stand on the
economic or social ladder $25,000.00
Total $100,000.00
Net credit due you $99,998.00
III. SOLUTIONS.
A. Genesis 2:24 so a man will leave his father and mother and be united
with his wife, and the two will become one body.
1. Husband, wife, how do you plan to apply this?
2. Mother, father, how will you help your children apply this principle?
3. The story is told of a young bride from the East who followed her
husband to an army camp on the edge of a desert in California. Living
conditions were primitive at best. He had advised against her moving
here, but she wanted to be with him.
The only housing they could find was a rundown shack near an Indian
village. The heat was unbearable in the daytime, reaching 115 degrees in
the shade. The wind blew constantly, spreading dust and sand on
everything in the house. The days were long and boring because her only
neighbors were the Indians, none of whom spoke English.
When her husband was ordered farther into the desert for two weeks of
maneuvers, loneliness and the wretched living conditions got the best of
her. She wrote to her mother that she was coming home - she just
couldn't take it any more. In a short time, she received a reply that
included these two lines:
Two men look out from prison bars, one saw mud, the other saw stars.
She read the lines over and over and began to feel ashamed of herself.
She didn't really want to leave her husband. "All right" she said to
herself. She would look for the stars. In the days that followed, she
set out to make friends with the Indians. She asked them to teach her
weaving and pottery. At first, they were distant; but as soon as they
sensed that her interest was genuine, they returned her friendship. She
became fascinated with their culture, history ¬everything about them.
She began to study the desert as well; and so it, too, changed from a
desolate, forbidden place to a marvelous thing of beauty. She had her
cacti, the yuccas, and the Joshua tree. Later, she became such an expert
on the area that she wrote a book about it.
The desert didn't change. The Indians didn't change. Simply by changing
her own attitude she had transformed a miserable experience into a
highly rewarding one. (Whatever Happened to Mom, Dad, & the Kids?, by
Carl Brecheen and Paul Faulkner, pp. 162,163.)
B. Ephesians 6:2,3 the command says, "Honor your father and mother. "
This is the first command that has a promise with it-- Then everything
will be well with you, and you will have a long life on the earth. "
1. Husband, how will you apply this principle?
2. Wife, how will you apply this principle?
C. 1 Timothy 5:4 but if a widow has children or grandchildren, Jet them
first learn to do their duty to their own family and to repay their
parents or grandparents. That pleases God.
8 Whoever does not care for his own relatives, especially his own family
members, has turned against the faith and is worse than someone who does
not believe in God,
16 If any woman who is a believer has widows in her family, she should
care for them herself The church should not have to care for them. Then
it will be able to take care of those who are truly widows.
1. A young man asked the father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
"Are you sure you can support a family?" the man asked.
"No, Sir, I'm not. But I was only planning on supporting your daughter.
The rest of you will have to make it on your own."
2. How do each of you feel about support or helping support your parents
and/or parents-in-Law, should this be necessary?
D. Love.
1. Love is not a feeling that you feel when you feel you're going to get
a feeling that you never felt before.
2. Love is treating people right whether you feel like it or not.
Matthew 7:12
3. Applications.
a. Parents, how did you want to be treated when you were first married?
b. Bride and groom, how will you want to be treated when you children
marry?
c. What will you call each other?
(1) Mom, Dad.
(2) First names.
(3) Mr., Mrs.
d. Recognize a separate household.
e. In giving advice:
(1) Go slow.
(2) Wait to be asked.
(3) How would you like for someone to come into your home, uninvited, to
give unwanted advice?
f. Where will you go . . . and how did you come to that decision?
(1) Thanksgiving.
(2) Christmas.
(3) Mother's Day.
(4) Father's Day.
(5) Vacation.
g. Communicate.
1 Corinthians 2:11 who knows the thoughts that another person has? Only
a person's spirit that lives within him knows his thoughts. It is the
same with God. No one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of
God.
Conclusion:
A. In-Law relationships can be great.
B. Some sadness and frustration are normal for everyone.
C. Some of the most beautiful words in the Bible are from a
daughter-in-Law to her mother-in¬ law. Ruth 1: 16,17 But Ruth said,
"Don't beg me to leave you or to stop following you. Where you go, I
will go. Where you live, I will live. Your people will be my people, and
your God will be my God. And where you die, I will die, and there I will
be buried.
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